Saturday morning has a big scary run waiting for me. Most things: distance, heat, mental weakness, I've battled before. Saturday, I battle them all.
The biggest war I've ever had in training was a run with Runner's Edge in 2007. Saturday, I will set out to conquer the course again. Here's the blog from that awful run.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Break down, break-break down…
I want to break down but don't know if I can
I need to break down but don't know if I can-Youth Brigade, Breakdown
It finally happened. I finally had it. The wall. The massive, brick and mortar, steel, barbed wire, mound in-cased fortress of a wall. I knew there was no way I could go all season without hitting it. It would be impossible. In fact, I started to worry about not climbing the mental barricade outside of a race. Well, worry no more. I had slammed head first at full throttle right on in to it.Saturday morning at 7:00 am Julie and myself (along with the rest of Runner’s Edge and Erin and Michele) started off on our run. Julie ran 2 before I met her, so she was actually going to go 22, I was going 20. No worries, I did 18 a few weeks ago and comparatively speaking, it was a breeze- we ran the whole thing. Saturday however, as we started out on the first couple miles I could tell I was working harder than usual. I felt like my effort and HR weren’t matching up, and that everyone else was going at a much easier pace. From what I understand, this could be a symptom of two things: overtraining, or under recovery. Of the two, I’m assuming that under recovery is to blame- I did just do a half ironman 2 weeks ago.The course was an odd layout at best. We started at Ward Parkway mall, went parallel to Ward Parkway, went through Waldo, Brookside, the edge of the ghetto, the Plaza, Loose Park… and then back. I still feel like I’m forgetting a section.Julie and I ran side by side for the first 10 miles; however there’s a long hill between miles 9 and 10- she put in a little distance on me there. It is awesome to see how her running has progress. I’m sure she remembers- just about a year ago Julie and I decided to run from my house, to the fire station and back. Two whole miles. I think we almost died. After our turnaround at mile 10 we had a couple other gals catch up with us. We mostly ran in a pack together as Julie and I explained IronMan and how we train for, eat during, poop when, and the feelings we have. People make you feel like a rock star, but I had to keep explain to these gals “You’re doing a marathon!! It’s the same mentality; we just do some extra training.” For whatever reason, nobody believes that.Julie and another girl or two ended up together and myself and another woman ran along together. Things were getting difficult for me and I was having a dang hard time to keep from going all-negative and dragging the other girl down. After the water stop at mile 14 I tried to run again, but I only could of a little ways. I wanted to run, but my legs were burning and my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. RUN! GO! I kept telling my self, but alas I was walking. So after so was the other gal. We marched along in silence for a long time. I kept taking little running steps every so often, but eventually I thought, Who am I kidding? I’m not running right now. The other girl had to stop to use the bathroom and I went on up ahead… Until I had to sit down. Yes, I sat down. I couldn’t continue to put one foot in front of the other. I just couldn’t do it. In fact, I was pleased with myself that I sat on a park bench, versus the intersection like I wanted to. After sitting and stretching for a minute my legs felt the burning go away, so I got up and started walking again. At this point I felt like I might actually be ok, so I started running again. Nope. I got nothing. It hurt. So, I was walking again.Once in Brookside and back on the Trolley Trail I was feeling a flush of emotions, I knew I only had 4 miles to go, and if I were running I’d be done in 50 minutes. However, I was not running. As I was moving along two older gals ran up along side of me and asked how I was doing. I just looked at them and said “fine.” One of the ladies said “Oh honey, you are not fine.” And started handing me sport beans and clif blocks. “You need something with a pep,” one told me. They asked if I had gels and sodium. I did, and was taking them like clockwork, which I believe helped to ward of the leg cramping. “We’ll stay with you for a while.” Hearing that I decided I couldn’t let these women walk too, so I jogged along side of them while they gossiped back and forth about people in their Bunko group (Ok, seriously, they were in their 60’s, and yes, they were going faster than me). At mile 17 I was walking again, and told them to go ahead. Within minutes I was sitting again. This time, on the trail, stretching, petting passersby’s’ dogs, stalling. The gal I left at the bathroom had caught back up, so I got up and walked with her. Again, we marched in silence. I could feel tears brimming in my eyes, but I felt like I needed to be strong in front of a stranger. Then I heard her sniff. I looked over and she too had tears in her eyes. Finally I said “All I want to do is go home lay on my bed and cry,” she said she thought she would right then if she could find a decent spot to lay down. My watched beeped reminding me of the time. I reached up and yanked my HRM strap off. I was over it. My HR didn’t matter to me. Forward motion did. The stranger at my side started to jog. “Come on” she whispered. I took about 10 steps in what at the moment felt as if it were a sprint. “I can’t” I said as she slipped away. She wasn’t looking back and I didn’t want her to. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Me, in my bright blue spandex shorts and butterfly tank top. This isn’t me. This is someone else in my body, someone else in my head. I’m a fighter. I claw my way through workouts, I literally scream, yell, urge myself on. Instead, I was shrinking. I felt like a fake.At just over 18 miles I came to the final aide station. I poured a cup of Gatorade, and plopped down on someone’s front steps. As I fumbled through my salt capsule pack the person picking up the RE’s stations pulled up. “You want a ride back to the mall?” I didn’t answer. I wanted to pretend I was invisible. “Hey- you want a ride?” The man asked again. I shook my head no, and opened my lips to say thanks, but I don’t believe any words would come out. In my body I was kicking and screaming yelling YES! Take me back! Please! I want out! I want to be done! I quit! I quit! I stood up, got some more water, and started to walk again. At this point, I was completely by myself. Some people were out walking, and I tried to pretend to be one of them, just moseying along, enjoy the first of fall weather (however it was over 80 degrees).It took me 30 minutes to go less than 2 miles. I simply couldn’t move any faster. As I started to walk back into the mall parking lot, head hung low, Julie pulls up. “Hey. You okay?” I actually had to smile and laugh to keep from crying. “I’m fine.” “You want a ride?” Ride. Ride? Ride! To go back!? To go the last 200 yards, by God, phuck that. I am going to drag my arse the last of the way if it kills me.I made it back into the mall to check in with Eladio and let him know I was done. “How’d it go?” he asked with a look of apprehension. “Not good, not good. I totally fell apart.” Now, the tears came. I was admitting aloud that I had a crash, that I was toasted before mile 14, and that in some aspects I had failed. He discussed in his coach-ie way how I was likely not recovered from my difficult half ironman, and that after all I would be so much stronger for pushing through and completing the miles.Which, I did do. I made all the miles. And it sucked. Bad. However as much as it sucked, I still completed every last foot under my own power.After I got into the car to drive home, my mind flooded with emotions. I was thankful I had the opportunity to push through a wall that big. While I did not run again at the end, I did keep moving. I had constant forward motion.I turned on the radio, and Tom Petty started to rock me a song about breaking down.Loudly, I sang along.
Posted: 8:45 AM
Discussed: blog, IronMan
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